A632.6.3.RB The High Cost of Conflict

As you have read, much of Levine’s work depends upon having a keenly developed ability to listen. Often, we are so busy developing our own stories, we fail to listen actively to that which we are being told, intent only on verbalizing our own personal stories. Think about the last time you “really listened” to someone else and gave them time to “get their story out”. How different was that experience from your normal communications? What did you learn? Record your experiences in this RB. If you are unable to recall such a situation, find a time/place this week to practice active listening and report on that.

I was teaching the first grade, and after the first month of school one of my student’s Kayla was frankly driving me crazy. She was extremely intelligent, (almost too smart for her own good) but would fight with other students and she would get angry if she wasn’t picked first when she raised her hand. If she didn’t get what she wanted she would be extremely disruptive during class as a way to retaliate. I was trying everything to get her to stop. I tried to reinforce my expectations, offered her rewards for good behavior, took away recess…nothing worked. When I realized that I was starting to lose my temper with her I knew something had to change. I think Levine (2009) would say that I was also stuck in the past because I was constantly replaying her behavior issues in my mind and the majority of my conversations were about her behavior vs. trying to find resolution or understanding for the future.

Levine (2009) says, “Dialog at the beginning of a relationship prevents conflict and puts all people involved on the same page.” (p.39). In other words, relationships are important in order to gain trust and understanding of the other person. After some thinking about the situation I realized that I didn’t know Kayla very well. I needed to understand her in order to improve the situation. I decided that during one of my recess duties I would try to play with her and have a regular conversation to understand her better. I quickly learned that Kayla had a very large blended family. She had 5 biological siblings, several step siblings and her cousins and aunts were in and out of her house all of the time. I asked her if she liked having such a big family. She said, “Sometimes, but my cousins are always messing with my things and I don’t like it. They are always in my room and have to sleep in my bed. I have to share. I don’t want to anymore.” Through listening to Kayla I was able to understand her reality to gain insight on what the real truth was (Levine, 2009). I learned that she had to compete for attention at home. She was also overwhelmed and frustrated because she didn’t feel that she had a sense of ownership of toys and space that had been previously hers. Her outbursts and behaviors started to make sense. They were all attention seeking, or dealt with another student touching “her things” which sometimes where actually communal supplies like crayons that she would claim as her own.

Looking back, I can see how I used a lot of Levine’s (2009) road map to resolution by trying to find a way that I could work with Kayla vs. trying to force her to do things my way. I also really listened to what she had to say. I didn’t interrupt her, I asked her to explain her thoughts and feelings to me and made a point to make her the center of my attention (MindToolsVideos, 2015). When it came to finding a resolution I had a lightbulb moment. Knowing that she need a sense of ownership I told her that she could keep some of our communal supplies in her cubby, that way those items would be hers and she could feel a sense of ownership. We agreed on what types of supplies she could keep in her cubby, and which supplies needed to stay communal. She LOVED this idea. In this way we shared a vision for the future (Levine, 2009) by agreeing what could be hers and what needed to be shared. Also, by listening to her and understanding her, I was able to deal with her behaviors in the classroom. Instead of seeing her outbursts as disruptive and obnoxious, I saw it as a need for her to get attention. As a result, I would say things like, “I want to hear what you have to say, but you need to raise your hand so I can hear you.” By spinning my responses to her into a positive and acknowledging her need to be heard, her behavior started to change for the better.

This conversation was different from past conversations with Kayla because I didn’t have an ulterior motive of trying to have her understand me, my expectations, or her behavior. Our conversation was positive and about her. Although I was very tempted to mention her behavior during our conversation I intentionally stopped myself. I knew I needed to build a relationship with her, and by bringing up something negative would cause her to get defensive.

 Reflecting on this conversation and others where resolution was achieved the pace of the conversation was much slower. This is something that I can struggle with. As in our previous learning about negotiations, we were warned to be aware of the pace or speed of the negotiation (McCarthy, 2011). I think the same is true with active listening. When we aren’t rushed to tell our side of the story and we are actively listening I think the conversation will naturally slow down. I know for myself when the conversation slows down my anxiety and defensiveness will go down as well. As a result, I will work on monitoring the speed of the conversation and take it upon myself to slow down the conversation by not interrupting the person, pausing before I speak to collect my thoughts to speak more deliberately vs. off the top of my head.  

Resources:

Levine, S..(2009). Getting to resolution: Turning conflict into collaboration. (2^nd ed.). San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc.

McCarthy, Alan. (7 January 2011). The 10 Rules of Negotiation. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oy0MD2nsZVs.

MindToolsVideos. (12 June 2015). Improve Your Listening Skills with Active Listening. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2z9mdX1j4A.